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Getting Along with "Victims"


The role of "Victim" (poor me) is a favorite with many of us. There are so many "benefits" we can ensure by playing the role of the victim.

1. We automatically gain self-worth. Follow this reasoning closely. As a victim, we are the one to whom injustice is being done. Thus, the others are unjust, incorrect, not okay, wrong in what they do and consequently we are just, okay, good and right. We are worthy and they are not. Many of us, who do not have sufficient self-esteem, find this as the only way we can establish our self-worth, by being the victims of others’ wrong doings.

2. As victims we can control others by playing on their pity and guilt. When they are angry with us, we can diminish their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person. When we want something from some one, we can play on their guilt, by making them feel to blame for our unhappiness or our problems.

3. We "as victims" are "not" responsible for our reality and thus not to blame if we or our lives are not in good condition. We have an excuse for not being okay or manifesting our potential.

Thus, as victims, we gain what we want from the others, by making them feel responsible for our reality, and by making ourselves seem weak, incapable and in need of help.

When confronted with loved ones who are playing the role of victim, we need to free ourselves from the illusion that they are so weak and incapable, and that we are responsible for their reality or that we can create their happiness, health or success in life.

We need to express our love to them in ways that they can feel it, without getting caught up in feeling responsible or guilty for their reality. This requires a combination of love, clarity of mind and effective communication. We need to help them find another way of getting what they need. A way which is free from self-pity and unnecessary suffering.

The victim "needs" to be unhappy. He or she will find daily reasons not to be happy. Those reasons also need frequently to imply that the others around them are to blame. The victim finds it difficult to say, "what a wonderful day it is", or "how happy I am", or "thank you for being such a nice person to me" (unless you are new in their lives, and "different from all the insensitive people" already in their lives).

In order to deal with those playing the role of victim more effectively, we will need to clear out our negative emotions so that we can connect with them with love and clarity.

We are now looking to discover the emotions which:

1. Cause us to fall into their trap and be controlled by them.
2. Cause us to lose our peace of mind and our love for them.

Here a list of some frequent emotions we have when dealing with persons playing the role of the victim. Under each emotion is an affirmation we can use to get free.

1. Responsible for them and their reality.

Even though until now I have felt responsible for (name of person)____’s (what you feel responsible for i.e. health, happiness, satisfaction, success etc.) _______, I now lovingly support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

2. Fear of not being able to succeed in helping them.

Even though until now I feared that I will never create (name of person)____’s (what you feel responsible.) _______, I now lovingly support him/her in creating his/her own _____.

3. Fear that the other may suffer some harm and I will be responsible.

Even though until now I feared that I will be responsible if (name of person)____comes to some harm (or does not succeed) _______ , I now lovingly support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

4. Failure, helplessness that our efforts do not manifest in results.

Even though until now I feared that I have failed (am helpless) in creating (name of person)____’s (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _______, I now lovingly support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

5. Injustice that, although we have tried so much to help them, they are not satisfied.

Even though until now I feel injustice that (name of person)____is never satisfed with my efforts to help him/her, I now lovingly support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

6. Hurt, bitterness or rejection because they never recognize our efforts or our love.

Even though until now I feel hurt (bitter or rejected) when (name of person)____does did not recognize my efforts and love, I now lovingly support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

7. Guilt because they are not happy or well (or satisfied).

Even though until now I felt guilty because (name of person)____was not well (happy or satisfied), I now lovingly support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

8. Anger because the other is not doing what he/she should be doing for himself / herself.

Even though until now I felt anger when (name of person)____did not do what he/she could do to feel better, I now loving support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

9. Anger because I feel that they are controlling me. I am the victim’s victim.

Even though until now I felt anger when I let (name of person)____control me, I now loving support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

A possible ideal way of interacting with a "victim"

Here is a description which one person has written concerning how she would like to interact with a person to plays the role of the victim.

I would like to keep clear in my mind that I cannot create the other’s health, happiness, success or satisfaction. I want also to remember that the other is an expression of the divine who has all the powers to manifest what she has incarnated to create in her life.
I want to remember that she needs my love and attention, and will give it freely.
When she gets into the role of victim, I will explain that I love and care for her and want her to be happy, but that that I cannot create that. I am willing to help her if she wants to take responsibility and work towards her happiness.
I can ask her questions, which might help her realize what she needs to do to create her happiness. I can also ask questions which may help her see how blessed she already is and also what powers lie within her, which she can use to create the reality she desires.
Throughout this process I will remain very clear that I am not responsible for what she is feeling. If she accuses me of not doing enough, I will check with my conscience and if I decided that she is right, I will start doing more. If I judge that she is wrong, then I will lovingly tell her so and explain that I am not going to do more and if she wants to discuss finding other solutions, I will be happy to help.
I will also explain that I will no longer feel guilty about her unhappiness and as I am clear about doing whatever I can, and that playing the victim will not help her get more from me.

Possible positive beliefs

These beliefs will allow us to have harmonious relationships with those who play the role of the victim.

a. We each create our reality.
b. I cannot create anyone else’s reality.
c. I am not to blame for what others are experiencing in their evolutionary process.
d. Others are not to blame for what I am feeling or creating.
e. I can love someone without being sad that they are not happy, since each of us has what we need to be happy- if we could only see it.
f. It is okay to be well and happy when our loved ones are not.
g. I love, serve and help my love ones create the reality they want, without getting into the role of the savior or responsible for the others.
h. No one can use me, if I chose to give. What I give freely cannot be taken from me since I am giving it.
i. If I am feeling used, then I am not giving from my heart but I am seeking something in return.
j. There are times when the greatest help we can offer is to allow the other to stand on his/her own two feet.
k. The others will continue to love me even if I cannot at times respond to their requests.
l. Life gives us exactly what we need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.

A possible I-message to a Victim

"Dear, I want you to know that I love and care for you and want very much for you to be happy and healthy and satisfied in your life. I want that very much.

However, I am beginning to realize that I cannot create that for you. I realize now that I have been feeling responsible for your reality and some times guilty because you are not as happy and satisfied as we would both like you to be.

"I now realize that I do not help you by feeling responsible or guilty. These feelings just make me angry with you when you do not do what you could be doing to create a happier life for yourself, or do not see how wonderful your life really is. This happens especially when you focus on what you do not have, rather than all the wonderful things you do have.

"Thus I am no longer going to try to create your happiness or get your approval through your expression of satisfaction. I am going to love you and offer you whatever I can, without doing more than I believe I should and without getting angry with you because you are not satisfied.

"Is there something you would like to share with me concerning this?"

Article Source: http://www.redsofts.com/articles/

Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30 years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and now does so over the Internet. Become a life coach.
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