Twelve Steps to Harmonious Relationships - Part 2
By:Robert Elias Najemy
7. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO LEARNING TO LOVE YOU AND MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY.
As you probably have understood this is the foundation of any conscious love relationship. The subject of accepting others is discussed in a previous chapter while the subject of accepting ourselves is discussed in "The Psychology of Happiness".
8. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO LEARNING TO FEEL AND SHARE MY EMOTIONS WITH YOU WITHOUT BLAMING YOU AND TO BEING ABLE TO LISTEN TO YOUR EMOTIONS WITHOUT TAKING THEM PERSONALLY.
Many of us have lost the ability to know and express what we feel. This becomes a major obstacle in our exchange of love and energy. Being cut off from our real feelings, we are also cutting the other off from important parts of our being.
Another problem is that, not knowing what we really feel, we confront the other with the wrong emotions, which confuse him and create unnecessary conflicts. For example a man who does not recognize his fear expresses anger and his wife feels abused and hurt, for she has done nothing which warrants his anger. But her husband cannot express his fear.
His wife may not be able to accept her anger or sexual feelings and thus goes into depression, something he cannot understand, since she has "everything she needs" to be happy.
These problems cannot be solved until we are able to know what we feel and are able to express it. Of course, we want to learn to take responsibility for what we feel so that, when we share it with the other, we do not blame or criticize, but simply inform him or her about what is going on within us.
How can we begin to know what we are feeling?
a. We can take time, be still and begin to feel what is going on in the body.
b. We allow our consciousness to flow into the various parts of the body and notice where we hold tension. Tension is a sign of pent up emotions.
c. We then go deeper and feel those emotions behind those superficial ones. For example we might feel anger and below that, hurt or fear which are causing the anger.
d. We can then get in touch with the needs and beliefs, which are creating those feelings.
e. We then accept and take responsibility for the feelings we are creating.
f. While accepting the part of ourselves which feels that way, we can also mentally send love and light to that part of our being - physical and mental.
g. Allow this love and light to heal that part of our being.
h. We then share our feelings, needs and beliefs with the other without criticism or blame.
9. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO BEING SELF SUFFICIENT AND WHOLE UNTO MYSELF.
We often mistake love with attachment, fear, need and dependency. Love comes from strength and the assurance that we will be fine with or without the other. Only then can our love be pure and free from need or fear. The moment we need something from the other, and he or she cannot give that to us, our security and love are diminished, especially if we believe that the other could and should give this to us.
When we need something from the other, we tend to change who we are in order to get what we need, perhaps playing the roles of intimidator, interrogator, victim, or aloof. These roles are the opposite of love and truth.
Only when we can be independent, can we really love unconditionally. We will be with the other because we want to be and not out of fear, loneliness or emptiness.
One part of experiencing our self-sufficiency within a relationship is to recognize our mutual needs to be alone occasionally. This is often taboo in many relationships. Some programmings that make this unthinkable are:
1. If she really loved me, she would not want to be alone or want to do something by herself or with others.
2. If I want time for myself, I am a bad partner.
3. A couple which does not do everything together is not in love.
Shakespeare has written, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." We begin to appreciate our loved one even more after a little space from him or her.
It is true, however, that being apart can also be an excuse for people who are afraid of getting close to the other. It may be a form of avoidance or even revenge. Thus we must have discrimination. Too much absence may starve a relationship, and too little make suffocate it.
Some indications that we need some space might be the following:
1. Avoiding contact with our partner.
2. Avoiding eye contact.
3. Watching a lot of TV or being otherwise occupied.
4. Not paying attention to what the other is saying.
5. Being over occupied with our work or other activities.
6. Ensuring that others will be around continuously.
7. Criticizing, blaming or arguing frequently
If we find ourselves engaging frequently in these types of behavior, we may need to discuss this with our partner and see how we can both renew ourselves, so that we can be more positive and attentive when we are together. A few hours of attentive contact will give us much more pleasure than days of being together while being closed into ourselves.
10. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO KEEPING MY AGREEMENTS WITH YOU.
There is no surer way to lose someone’s trust than to ignore our agreements and promises. This is an absolute in any conscious love relationship. Better to avoid making agreements that we may not be able to keep. And when we have made a promise, which we see, will be difficult to manifest, better to discuss this with the other, rather than ignore it.
In cases where we observe that we are frequently delinquent on our agreements, we may want analyze what subconscious programming may be obstructing us.
a. We may fear losing our freedom.
b. We might have negative feelings towards the other.
c. We may be testing the other’s love.
d. We may have adopted the role of the bad boy or girl and are keeping up our reputation.
e. We may have needs which we are unable to admit to the other and thus make agreements, which our needs then prevent us from keeping.
11. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY
This method of communication is discussed other chapters.
12. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO CULTIVATING MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH GOD
Our relationship with the Divine is a tremendous source of inner security and inner strength, which will allow us to love the other without being dependent on him or her. We can take from our inner relationship with God and be in a position to give to others, without needing to receive from them. This very important aspect of self-transformation will not be discussed in this book. It is extensively presented in the books Universal Philosophy and The Art of Meditation.
All of these aspects of creating a healthy conscious love relationship will be investigated further as we proceed.
Article Source: http://www.redsofts.com/articles/
Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30 years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and now does so over the Internet. Become a life coach.
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