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Questionnaire for Discovering our Lessons - part 3

By:Robert Elias Najemy

15. Do I have any internal conflicts that are being played out here? Is there a part of myself who doubts my own self and agrees with the other?
Our internal conflicts are very often reflected by others who are reflecting one of our conflicting personas. Because we are in conflict with ourselves, the other’s behavior annoys us by bringing to the surface a part of ourselves with which we are already in conflict.
For example, if one part of ourselves says we should be making more money, get married, achieve more, work more, eat less, spend more time with the children, have more discipline or lose weight and the other person gives us any of these messages in any way, we are disturbed by his or her behavior, because it reminds us of a conflict we already have with ourselves.
In such a case, we need to apply an inner dialogue technique and clarify internally what we really want and believe. We also need to accept this conflict until it is resolved and then we will be able to share it with others. This work is described in detail in the book "Saram - A Soul Adventure in Persona Reconciliation".

16. Are there any emotions, needs and beliefs that I have not clearly communicated to the other?
Our unexpressed emotions, needs and beliefs are frequently reflected by others. This will happen until we overcome any obstacles to honest and sincere communication with those who behave in ways that annoy us. If we have never expressed clearly to someone without accusation and criticism that his or her behavior bothers us, how do we expect him or her to stop?
Our lesson is to learn to make I-messages expressing very clearly what we want, need, feel and believe, without trying to put down or hurt the other.

17. What is my lesson here? What do I need to change in order to stop attracting this behavior and, in the case that it appears, not be bothered by it?
18. What do I need to do to maintain my happiness?
Questions 17 and 18 ask us to look to the answers we have given to the questions above and decide what we need to transform in order to cease attracting the behavior which bothers us and, in the case that it does appear, not be bothered by it. The basis answer in each case is to transform the beliefs, which are creating this reflection and projection.

19. Now imagine that the other person actually changes and behaves exactly as you wish, and becomes a perfect friend respecting your every need, and that this problem has completely disappeared. Notice how you feel with this idea.
This visualization and question has been added at the end for two reasons. First, it allows us to imagine this situation as solved and transformed. This is an essential aspect of manifesting the change we desire; i.e. to be able to envision it.
We cannot create what we cannot first believe. If we cannot image the other as being kind and loving it will very likely never happen.
The second reason is for us to see how we feel with the idea of this problem being totally solved and the other behaving in a perfect way. It is interesting that a large number of people have discovered with this question that something was missing when the problem disappeared. They then realized that, although they complain about this person’s behavior, it actually serves some purpose in their lives.
For some, being the victim, the abused was their way of establishing their own self-worth. As long as the other was wrong, then they were the good guys and thus worthy. Now without this game, they are no longer affirmed on a daily basis.
In other cases, the problem was an excuse for not to being able to manifest their creativity or productivity, and now they would have no excuse. For still others, it was a reason not to be happy, and now they will have to find another reason, or "risk" being happy.

This questionnaire could also be used to analyze our lessons inherent in situations or events which are annoying us, by simply replacing the word behavior with the words event, circumstance or situation. Also we can, in the same way, analyze what we can learn from our body through problems of health or appearance. But in this book we are focusing on relationships.

Article Source: http://www.redsofts.com/articles/

Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30 years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and now does so over the Internet. Become a life coach.
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