Twelve Steps to Harmonious Relationships - Part 1
By:Robert Elias Najemy
(The basic ideas of this section are inspired by the work of Gay and Katherine Hendricks)
We can move towards a conscious love relationship by committing ourselves to consciously working towards that goal. We need to clearly understand what we kind of relationship we want to create and be willing to commit ourselves to that goal. This means choosing to work on ourselves rather than falling back into unconscious behavior patterns.
These twelve commitments free us to love our partner consciously without games and fears.
1. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO BEING AS OPEN AND UNITED AS POSSIBLE WITH YOU AND TO REMOVING FROM MYSELF ANYTHING, WHICH OBSTRUCTS THAT OPENNESS.
We chose to observe ourselves and discover when we are closing up, when we do not feel united with or open to the other and to work on getting free from any fears or mechanisms which obstruct our feelings of love and unity with the other.
2. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO PARTICIPATING FULLY IN MY PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT AND SPIRITUAL EVOLUTION.
Our relationship is a basic part of our growth process. We grow, learn and evolve through our conscious contact with the other. We choose support each other in our growth process and will not allow this relationship to stunt our growth. We are simultaneously committed to the relationship and to evolving into better persons. The relationship should not obstruct growth and our growth should not separate us.
This is important because in many cases, we allow our relationships to impede our dedication to our inner growth and at others we allow our spiritual efforts to alienate us from our loved one. We need to harmoniously combine these two aspects of our lives.
3. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO TELLING ALL THE TRUTH IN EVERY SITUATION.
Only through truth can we create a love that is live and flowing. As long as we are not totally truthful, then we are living in fear. Perhaps we fear the otherís rejection or anger.
A conscious love relationship will eventually arrive to the level of inner security and self-acceptance so that we can tell and hear the truth without being hurt or offended. True love means being able to accept the other along with all his or her feelings and needs. True love means being able to share our inner world without fear.
Some symptoms revealing that we are hiding feelings or thoughts might be:
1. We may experience frequent headaches, a blockage in the throat are or a tensed jaw.
2. We may have difficulty in breathing.
3. There may be tension in the abdominal area or in the arms.
4. We may find ourselves avoiding the other.
5. We might be annoyed by the otherís questions.
6. We might find ourselves getting upset with the other for small unimportant reasons, which release pent up feelings that have nothing to do with the event that we are getting upset about.
Self-acceptance is a basic prerequisite to being able to recognize, accept an express our emotions.
4. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO EMPOWERING YOU IN EVERY WAY AND HELPING YOU MANIFEST YOUR LATENT POTENTIAL.
Many relationships become antagonistic and competitive in which each tries to be better or more right than the other is. This is a result of our self-doubt and our need to verify of self-worth by being more right, more capable or more successful than the other is. This leads to jealousy and an inability to support or empower the other in his or her efforts. We fear the otherís success and power.
By committing ourselves to this ideal, we free ourselves from this unfortunate situation. We help the other to blossom and enjoy his or her successes. We help and support each other in our goals and efforts and rejoice in our successes.
5. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO TAKING 100% RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE REALITY I CREATE THROUGH MY INTERPRETATIONS AND PROJECTIONS.
We usually seek to blame others for our unhappiness or mistakes. We find it difficult to accept responsibility for what we feel and create in our lives. We seek to avoid accepting our own failings and mistakes.
This commitment is perhaps one of the most difficult to employ. We need now to take full responsibility for every emotion we feel and every reality we create. The truth behind this fact may be difficult to understand at first.
We have learned that our feelings are created by what others do and what happens in our lives. The reality is, however, that what others do or say or what happens are only the stimuli which trigger our programmings and beliefs. Our beliefs create our emotions. We interpret events according to what we believe about ourselves and others. Those interpretations create our emotional reality.
One of us may interpret what is happening as threatening or demeaning, while another may see it as positive or pleasant and still another as indifferent. For example someone burping at a meal would be considered rude and inconsiderate to a European, whereas an Arab might consider it a compliment to how good the meal was. An Indian might not even hear it, as it is considered simply a natural bodily function. Who is right? Each creates a different reality with the same stimulus or event.
Only we can create a new reality for ourselves. We can do so by discovering and transforming the beliefs and attachments, which are creating our unhappiness. A relationship is an ideal school for this process. Details on how this can be done are given in the book Psychology of Happiness.
6. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO BEING HAPPY TOGETHER IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
The possibility that we might not want to be happy may seem strange at first. But detailed examination will show that we usually cannot stand too much happiness for a long time. We have been programmed that after happiness there will be pain. There are even phrases we use so as not to attract problems when we admit that things are actually going well. We say, "knock on wood, everything is fine."
Secondly, many of us are in the role of the victim "poor me" and therefore cannot admit happiness or else we no longer be "poor meís". We also need to complain, criticize and blame in order to establish our self-worth. How can we do that if we admit that we are happy and that everything is fine?
There is also a fear of the unknown, of appearing silly or of not being serious. Often when one is very high and happy the other becomes serious, thus bringing him or her "down" to being a serious adult.
Some might also fear the intensity of emotions, which occur when we are both very happy and admitting it and allowing ourselves to laugh and play and enjoy each other as two young children.
We manage to avoid high states of energy and happiness in some of the following ways:
a. By being unable to accept of hear positive messages from others. We discard what they say as simply having nothing to do with us.
b. We remain attached to the past or future and seldom experience the present moment.
c. We cultivate worry thoughts that make us unhappy. We think of everything that has gone wrong or could go wrong.
d. We criticize and reject ourselves and others.
e. We create arguments or conflicts so as to destroy our happiness.
f. We unconsciously lock into various matters or situations so as to avoid experiencing the happiness of the present.
g. We avoid and conceal our feelings, both positive ad negative.
h. We do things that we know will upset the other, like be late, ignore our agreements etc.
Some ways in which we can start to get used to being happy and having high energy with someone are:
a. We can learn to give space to the other to be alone when he or she needs it, and can take our space when we need it.
b. We can begin to tell the truth and hide nothing in. Holding the truth dulls the relationship.
c. Deep breathing and dance can help free up our energy.
d. Holding, hugging, caressing, touch, massage and affection can increase our energy level significantly.
e. We can learn to express our needs rather than complain.
f. The ultimate solution is to allow our beliefs to evolve and realize that we are expressions of divinity and that we have every right to happiness and creative ecstasy.
g. The key to happiness is to love and accept ourselves and others as we are, and realize that we deserve happiness.
Article Source: http://www.redsofts.com/articles/
Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30 years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and now does so over the Internet. Become a life coach.
Over 600 free article and lectures at
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